Thursday 5 June 2014

Loneliness

Invisible

I know you know what it's like to feel hurt,
And you probably know how it is to feel broken.
And I'm sure you know what it's like to feel 
Sad and angry and lost and insecure, 
To feel like you have been ripped open.
But do you know what it's like to feel invisible?
To go through all that pain and have no one notice a thing?
No, you don't know what it's like to feel invisible.
To have so much to say but no one's listening.

And I could disappear at any moment,
And nobody here would even notice.
Now I'm just a ghost of who I used to be,
And I'm so alone, the pain's my only company.
I'm falling to pieces but no one can see.
Because I'm invisible.

And I know you know what it's like to feel lonely,
And I know you know that it doesn't fell good.
But do you know what it's like to feel that
Nobody is there for you at all,
To feel outcast, misunderstood?
and do you know what it's like to feel invisible?
To feel like you don't matter at all?
No, you don't know what it's like to feel invisible,
Or how they can make you feel so small.

And I could disappear at any moment,
And nobody here would even notice.
Now I'm just a ghost of who I used to be,
And I'm so alone, the pain's my only company.
I'm falling to pieces but no one can see.
Because I'm invisible.



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Loneliness

I like to think that everyone has their own little world to carry on their shoulders just like Atlas carried the world on his in Greek Mythology. When we are fist born, in most cases, our worlds do not rest on our own shoulders but on our parents' or guardians'. We are unable to fend for ourselves so each little part of our world: our health, our hygiene, our happiness, our warmth, our shelter and just about everything else is being carried by those who care for us. As we get older we start becoming more responsible and so we are handed some of these little pieces of our worlds to look after.

The more distanced from people you are and the less people you have in your life, the more of your world you have to carry. You have less people to help you with the burden that is your life and so the burden just gets heavier and heavier. When you are responsible for so much of your world (Or in the cases of those completely alone, all of your world), it's hard to take could care of it. You have to be your own parent, your own family, your own friend and do all of the jobs that those people do. You have to support your self, cheer yourself up when you're down, give your self a pat on the back when you deserve it and try and teach yourself how to learn from your mistakes. That is what it is to be alone.

It's hard to be alone because not only do you have to carry the burden of your whole world, all of your secrets and worries and thoughts and feelings, but you have to keep up with everyone else while doing so. You have to keep up with those who have friends that help carry the burden of their happiness or family that help carry the burden of their safety, whereas those who are alone have to get by just the same but with all these extra burdens to carry. 

When you need help, you have to help yourself. When you need more time, there is no one to stall for you. When you miss something, there is no one to fill you in. And even when something great happens, when you get that good grade or that fancy promotion, you have no one to toast to your victory with, no one to tell or how great or are or how they're proud of you.That is what it's like to be lonely.

 So in conclusion, avoid being alone at all costs, if at all possible and if you can't or you are already all on your own, then I'm sorry. I hope you find someone to help you carry your world and I hope the same for myself.

- T.L.Wizards

Permanent

Jenny Restic sighed. The new girl at the café she worked at was completely hopeless and it was, of course, Jenny's responsibility to 'show her the ropes' as her boss had said. She had to admit, girl did look kind of cute as she struggled to figure out how to stop the coffee from pouring out of the machine, causing it to spill everywhere, with her eyebrows knitted together in an adorable frown and strands raven black hair escaping from her ponytail. But still, cute didn't make up for all the messes that Jenny was going to have to clean up because of this girl. Don't worry, Jenny reminded herself, it's only temporary. 

                                                          ***************************

Vanessa Korrapati. Even her name sounded sexy. She was 22, second generation Indian, had three brothers, a dog called Rusty, and her every own record player with a complete collection of every record the Beatles ever made. But most importantly, she had a date with Jenny at a very fancy seafood restaurant in an hour. Jenny hadn't liked her at first; she'd proved a challenge to train in the arts of working the coffee machine and toasting the perfect panini. But after a while the two got to talking and as it turned out, they had a lot in common. It had taken a while for Jenny to gather up the courage to ask Vanessa out, but eventually she did and now she was standing in front of the mirror, scrutinising every aspect of her appearance, to ensure she looked perfect for their first date. The butterflies in her stomach were restless and her palms were starting to get sweaty. Jenny wiped her palms on her skirt to dry them. She hated feeling nervous. Don't worry, Jenny reminded herself, it's only temporary. 


                                                           ***************************

It had been over a month since they had officially started dating and they had now reached the first milestone in the relationship; their first fight. Jenny knew it was her fault. She had made a passing comment about how Vanessa didn't know what it was like to struggle to get by, what with her coming from such a rich family and it had just snowballed from there. She hated having all this negativity between them. Don't worry, Jenny reminded herself, it's only temporary. 

                                                          ***************************

Jenny looked back over her shoulder and blew her fiancée one last kiss goodbye before walking swiftly through the doors of the airport terminal. She missed Vanessa already. Since they had first started dating, they hadn't really had to spend too much time apart. Sure, there was a weekend here or there when one of them would go to visit their family or something, but this was this time Jenny would be away for 2 months doing her internship in New York. This meant no early morning kisses or finding post-it notes with terms of endearment written on them scattered around the apartment.fiancée one last kiss goodbye before walking swiftly through the doors of the airport terminal. She missed Vanessa already. Since they had first started dating,vb they hadn't really had to spend too much time apart. Sure, there was a weekend here or there when one of them would go to visit their family or something, but this was this time Jenny would be away for 2 months doing her internship in New York. This meant no early morning kisses or finding post-it notes with terms of endearment written on them scattered around the apartment. Don't worry, Jenny reminded herself, it's only temporary. 

                                                         ***************************

It was her favourite picture of them. It had been taken a week after Vanessa had first stared working at the café, when the manager had demanded they take a staff group photo. Jenny loved looking at how young they both were back then, standing side by side, having no idea that the person next to them would turn out to be the love of their life. She looked down at the girl whose head was resting on her lap and smiled to herself. Don't worry, Jenny reminded herself, it's permanent. 



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Permanent

You never know what things in your life are going to become permanent. Most things enter our lives as temporary until one day we look back and realise that this supposedly temporary thing has become a permanent fixture in our lives.

Some things do stay temporary, though, so it is impossible to tell which things are going to last and which aren't. Maybe your new neighbour will only last for a few weeks before selling the house again and moving somewhere new, or maybe you'll be sitting at a neighbourhood barbecue with them in twenty years time. Maybe you'll loose that new watch you bought before the year is up or maybe your child will be passing it down to your grandchild fifty years later. Maybe your new hobby is just a phase or maybe you'll end up being a well paid professional at it later down the line.

And of course to quote Adele; "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." So maybe what you have is just summer fling that you'll look back on when your old and grey or maybe you've found your soul-mate, the person  you're going to grow old and grey with.

Either way, try to be nice to the people that enter your life and try to take care of the things that you get because you never know who or what might stay with you for the rest of your life.

- T.L.Wizards

Victory

Little Victories

So you didn't change the world today, and you didn't save a life.
You didn't make somebody's year, and you couldn't change somebody's mind.

So didn't build a bridge today, but you didn't did burn one down.
And it hurt you just to be there but you still stuck around.

And you didn't get it all out, yeah you didn't say much,
But you said all that you could and for now, that's enough.

And don't think that your less, than anyone else,
We all all have our limits, just don't give up on yourself.
'Cause it's the little victories, that make it all worth while.
And it doesn't matter that your still broken, 'cause at least you managed to smile.

So you weren't a big success today, and you didn't steal the show.
You couldn't do the things that they can do, and you barley made it home.

And you did not achieve a miracle, you didn't hit a home run.
But so few do, you did your best, that's all that can be done.

So you didn't have a huge victory, just loses piled high.
But you learned from your mistakes, and if you continue to partake, maybe you'll win next time.

And don't think that your less, than anyone else,
We all all have our limits, just don't give up on yourself.
'Cause it's the little victories, that make it all worth while.
And it doesn't matter that your still broken, 'cause at least you managed to smile.

So it's taking a long time, to achieve your goals.
You feel broken and defeated, not who you want to be at all.

And you keeping messing up, and letting people down.
But don't think they won't forgive you, don't think they don't need you around.

And you didn't save the universe, but you made my day worth while
Because even though your broken, you still managed to smile.


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Victory

It's important to remember that not all victories in life are monumental. Sure, it's an amazing achievement to win an Olympic medal, but who know what else is an amazing achievement? Getting out of bed in the morning even though can't see the point. Going outside even though everything seems to make you anxious. Getting over your stammer, or making progress with your therapist, or even just getting on with you day despite feeling under the weather. We all win lots of little wars and achieve lots of little things and have lots of little victories everyday that are worth celebrating.

So yeah, maybe you didn't change your life today, but maybe one of your little victories like preparing for that job interview or finishing that watercolour study will lead to something incredible in the future. Or maybe not, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve a round of applause anyway.

Be proud of all your victories, no matter how big or how small, even if no one else is. Even if the thing you managed to achieve is something post people find incredibly easy or have been able to do for ages. Don't let other peoples victories make yours seem any less significant.

- T.L.Wizards

P.S. The song was above was inspired by this quote: "You know Howie had been in speech therapy. He'd just gotten over this massive stammer, what an achievement, I mean can you imagine? I'd forgotten not all victories are about saving the universe." - Rory Williams, Doctor Who, Series 6 Episode 11, 'The God Complex'.

Adulthood

Angelo Ramirez straightened his 'Senior Mechanic' badge for the fourth time. He was sitting on an peculiar yellow chair, (the designer of which clearly found aesthetics to be of more value that comfort) outside the doors to the Senior Mechanic's Deck aboard the Grand Melatone American National Spaceship. As was evident from the non-stop tapping of his foot, his slightly shaky breath and his tendency to fidget, Mr. Ramirez was nervous. It was his first day of his dream job and he was determined not to mess it up. But more than that, it was the day he would finally be told The Secret.

Ramirez, as well as most of the inhabitants of the spaceship, had been born and raised aboard it. From a young age, he had shown an interest in mechanics. He had always been a fan of puzzles as a child and would often take things apart; toys, remote controls, mini radios, and attempt to put them back together. He would also always wander off into more remote parts of the spaceship, following the paths of certain pipes or trying to sneak into the engine room to see how the engines worked. He didn't even need time to consider his choices when faced with the task of what job to apply for when he turned eighteen.

When the Fuel Crisis of 2284 occurred, Ramirez, along with the other residents of the Grand Melatone, was distraught. The supply carriage containing the fuel reserves had been damaged and most of the fuel had been lost. To make matters worse, there had not been a report from the International Space Station in months and no one seemed to be able to reach them. But the Senior Mechanical Team of the Grand Melatone had risen to the occasion and found a solution to the problem. Exactly what the solution was, no one outside of the Senior Mechanical Team knew, as it was classified information, kept from public view with the people's best interests in mind. This was what had soon become known to the mechanics, and those of the public who cared about such matters, as The Secret.

After the crisis was averted, life on the spaceship carried on as normal. Reports from the International Space Station once again became a frequent occurrence. They always said the same things, but that was just a reassuring sign that normality had been restored. Personally, Ramirez felt all the more motivated to climb higher up the ladder of success within the spaceship's mechanical department, as he was desperate to find out what was keeping the spaceship running.

This was why four years later, Angelo Sebastián Ramirez aged 26, was sat outside the doors of Senior Mechanic's Deck, about to start his first day as the youngest Senior Mechanic on record. Granted, he had been faced with some sceptical looks from his employers when he had walked into the interview room, but as hard as the interview was, Ramirez had managed to pass it with flying colours. The interviewer, Mrs. Alesha Marshall, Vice President of the Senior Mechanical Team of the Grand Melatone American National Spaceship, had asked him only one question: "If the spaceship had completely run out of fuel, all emergency reserves drained, and the International Space Station could not be reached, how would you proceed in keeping the ship up and running?" 

It was the most difficult question Ramirez had ever had to answer, but after spending hours combing through the Melatone's official records, which had been thankfully provided by Mrs. Marshall, and making vague notes on the whiteboard, also provided by the VP, Ramirez had finally discovered a way to temporarily keep the ship running until contact with the Space Station could be re-established. It was definitely the most unconventional interview Ramirez had ever even heard of, after all what kind of interview lasted so long that bathroom breaks had been already been pre-decided? But he could help but walk out of the room at the end of the day feeling immensely proud of himself. After all, how many people could come up with a way to temporarily solve such a difficult problem. He supposed that was why they had chosen to hire him.

So, this was it. he was finally going to start his dream job and of course, be clued in on The Secret, as it was common knowledge that anyone accepted on the Senior Mechanical Team learnt The Secret on their first day. The doors beside Ramirez slid open with a small mechanical click to reveal none other than Mr. Thomas Dalton, President of the Senior Mechanical Team of the Grand Melatone. He was a broad man with a perpetually reddened face and a well groomed moustache.

"Ah Mr. Ramirez, so good to meet you." He held out his hand for Ramirez to shake, which he did. "I thought I should greet you personally on your first day, especially after hearing such good things about your interview." He motioned Ramirez through the doors.

Ramirez wasn't sure what he had expected to see on the Deck, maybe an extra-terrestrial object that could create unlimited fuel linked up to to engines. Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn't what he was met with upon following Mr. Dalton through the doors. Before him was what appeared to be a perfectly ordinary Senior Mechanic Deck, lined with standard engines and ordered desks for the mechanics to work on.

"So, we'd like to get you started right away if that's okay with you." Mr. Dalton said as he lead Ramirez to a desk where two other mechanics sat, looking over blueprints of one of the engines. "This is Adele Bolton and George Han, who you'll be working with from now on. I would advise you to start off by getting to know each other since you'll be working quite closely, fighting day to day to keep this ship going once the emergency reserves run out in a few months."

Ramirez frowned. "Sir, I don't understand, what do mean 'when the emergency reserves run out'? What about The Secret? Aren't you going to tell me what it is?" He asked.

Mr. Dalton laughed. "Don't you get it, boy? There is no Secret."



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Adulthood

When I was in Primary School, I used to look at Secondary School students and think: Wow, they're so big, so old and mature. They're so smart doing all of that complicated school work. Will I be that smart when I'm older? And so I waited. I waited to grow into one of those smart, mature Secondary School students who had always seemed so cool to me back then. Only it never happened. Instead I got to Secondary School and I didn't feel older like I thought I would, I felt young compared to all of the older students in the school. I wasn't mature and the school work I did was not complicated as it had seemed to my younger mind. So I looked up to the older students, the ones doing GCSE's and A Levels who seemed so mature and smart and like they had their lives sorted out. What I didn't realise until I got to their age was that they still weren't completely mature and the work they did was not too hard for people of their age group and despite appearances, they too still didn't have their lives together. And so they looked up to those who were older than them and the cycle carries on.


My point is that we never really grow up. We always seem to think that when we get older we'll be more mature, more prepared, smarter and better with our lives sorted out. And then we get to that age only to realise; we still don't know what we're doing. And you will often find that when you look at the people around you and think things like: They're so confident, so organised, so smart and talented and well-held-together, those people are actually as insecure and messy and lost as you are, and they're looking at you and thinking you are as perfect as you thought they were, when in reality, we're all just barley getting by.

That complicated machine at your new job that you can't figure out how to work? Your boss isn't too sure about it either. The exams that your taking practise papers for? The students taking the real thing are as lost as you are. The people you think have they're lives together? They're probably failing terribly in at least one aspect. The secret to getting by that you think all of those older people know? It doesn't exist. Adulthood is a myth. No body's sure about everything and no one knows all the answers and everyone is just making it up as they go along.

So don't feel bad when you reach a certain age and your not all of those things you thought you would be and don't be too hard on yourself when still hopelessly lost when everyone else has found their bearings, because none of those people are perfect, they're all as imperfect as you. Stop waiting to grow up into someone better than you are today and just accept life as it is; a world full children masquerading as adults.

- T.L Wizards