Guilt

Apocalypse

Hold onto hope, hold on to hope because,
One day it might be all you've got.
Hold onto love, hold on to love because,
One day money might not be enough.
Hold onto possibilities and hold onto opportunities because,
You might not always have the chance. 
Hold onto all that you can take in because,
You might not get a parting glance.
And hold onto everything that you can get your hands on,
Because you might not have everything for long.

And in the event of the end of the world,
Let go of your prized possessions and hold your loved ones tight. 
And if there comes a time when the sky is falling,
No new days are dawning and you're fighting to stay alive,
Make sure you can live with yourself if you survive
The Apocalypse.

Hold onto pain, hold onto pain because,
It brings you back to reality.
Let go of your anger and plots of revenge because,
You might just need your sanity.
And hold onto that feeling because,
It lets you know you're still alive.
But you might not be living for much longer,
So hold onto tonight.

And in the event of the end of the world,
Let go of your prized possessions and hold your loved ones tight. 
And if there comes a time when the sky is falling,
No new days are dawning and you're fighting to stay alive,
Make sure you can live with yourself if you survive
The Apocalypse.

And the rain will wash away, everything we've made.
And we will realise, how easily things fade.
And the light ill shine on us, and show our imperfections.
But we will not give up, we'll just find ways to forget them.
And some day the world will come crashing down, and end it all.
And all the things that you thought had mattered, will be the first to fall.

So in the event of the end of the world,
Let go of your prized possessions and hold your loved ones tight. 
And if there comes a time when the sky is falling,
No new days are dawning and you're fighting to stay alive,
Make sure you can live with yourself if you survive
The Apocalypse...


*****************************************************************************************************************

Guilt

When I was in Year Three, we weren't allowed to bring sweets (candy) into school. Despite serving a plate full of chips with every school meal and this being before we even had a salad bar, the school had decided that unhealthy snacks brought to be eaten at Playtime were strictly prohibited. If our parent packed a packet of mini Haribo in our lunch box then we would, of course, be able to eat it however if we brought the sweets in separately and ate them outside of the lunch hall, we would be breaking the rules.

One day, I washed out and old metal pencil case of my sister's and poured a packet of strawberry Millions into it before stashing it in my pocket to take to school. One of my friends had brought in some magazines and a group of us spent that playtime and lunchtime eating the sweets and reading the magazines. Now I must explain that I had never actually gotten into trouble before in my life, I'd never broken the rules and I certainly had never gotten caught doing something I wasn't supposed to. But then of course, someone - I'm not sure who, but I hold a bitter grudge against them to this very day - tipped off a teacher to our debaucherous activities.

I don't remember in too much detail the things that happen to me in my younger years, however I distinctly remember the absolute terror I felt as the teacher approached me and said something along the lines of :

"So, I've heard you've brought something into school today." 

"Well, my friend brought in some magazines." I had replied weakly.

"I think you know that's not what I'm talking about."

I didn't even receive a lunchtime detention, just a yellow card, a warning. However to my eight year old self, that felt more like a scarlet letter or a criminal record. When I got back into class, I evaded the questions sent my way by one of my best friends, who had not been involved in the ordeal, and and carried on in a miserable state. I was too ashamed and afraid to tell my mum that night. 

The next day, I honestly thought everything would be different, I thought my friends wouldn't want to hang around with me any more and that all of the teachers would hate me. So when my friend came and talked to me when she saw me by the school gates the next day, I felt a burst of joy and relief. I'm pretty sure everyone forgot the incident - there were a lot of children doing a lot worse things in school and honestly, who cares if some kid brought in some sweets? But the thing is, I never forgot.

I'm still not sure what the hell was wrong with me, but the guilt I felt about what I'd done, breaking the rules, getting into trouble, stuck with me and weighed me down for a long time. I was to scared to tell my mum and so I felt more guilty about keeping it from her. when parents evening came around I went out of my mind worrying the teacher would tell my mum, who would be extra cross at my for not telling her. It never came up. I actually cried, alone in my bedroom on multiple occasions due to my undying guilt. My stomach knotted up every time I thought about it and I spent too much time imaging countless scenarios in which my mum would find out and all the things she'd say to me.

I eventually came to the conclusion that when I was really old, like twenty or maybe even thirty or something, I would tell my mother and, although it wouldn't exactly make her happy, it would be too far in the past for her to get angry about. I guess I'm just one of those people who really can't stand being reprimanded by any kind of authority figure. When I was ten I did recount all of this and realise that if I went up to my mum at that point and said; "Mum, when I was in year three, I brought sweets into school.", she would have just turned to me and said "And?". She probably would not have had any idea that that was something we weren't supposed to do, and even if she did, she would not have cared.

I've done plenty worse in my life, but for some reason, I've never felt as guilty as I had back then. My point in telling you this unusual and embarrassing anecdote is that what I'm trying to say is guilt sucks. Felling guilty can really eat away at your insides and put a huge damper on your life. I doubt anyone will ever feel as guilty for bringing sweets into school as I did but I know that everyone feels guilty at some point in their life and it's important that you think about your guilt.

Was it really your fault? Is what you did really so wrong? Is there a way to make up for it? Is the source of your guilt a secret from those around you and if so should it be? Would it be better to just let it out? Do you really deserve the to feel as bad as you do?

Maybe your guilt is justified but maybe not. Maybe your the one giving someone else a guilt trip and need to ask yourself if they deserve to be made to feel as bad as you're making them. And if you find yourself debating whether or not to do something that you know you'll feel guilty about later, then avoid doing it at all costs if you value your personal happiness and don't want to end up hating yourself.

- T.L.Wizards